just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
