you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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