At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
