This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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