I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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