dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
