We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
