I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
