i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
