come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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