Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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