If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
