i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
