Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
