we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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