I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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