I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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