drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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