i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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