I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
