LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
