Welp...herpes.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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