Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
