You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
