you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
