You don't have asthma, your pregnant
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
