he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
