I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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