my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
