Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
you made out with another girl for some wings
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
