Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
