You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
