thus making me awesome and them whores
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
you had me at cake vodka
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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