True but thats because hes a fetus.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
