you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
the liver wants what the liver wants
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
