he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
