hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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