At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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