My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you win again, gameday.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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