May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
