a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.