I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is