just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.