lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"