peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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