I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
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