you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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