After last night, I could never be a politician.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
