woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
