took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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