Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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