I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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