I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
