Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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