all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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