I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Randomize
