Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
