Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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