DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
