hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
