It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
