yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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