I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Randomize
